Skins always makes me feel like shit
Today was not an exception

Don’t ever take these things seriously

Everything is so simple recently
It used to be everyone else’s fault
But right now I’m the responsible one
Hiding and ignoring what is not okay

A lot of things came back in the past week
I don’t know and don’t care whether or not if it’s for the best
It’s just stuff

But right now I feel like I used to before
Lonely and scared and undesired
What if no one stays
I would grab on to your shirt and bury myself in your neck and beg again and again
Or I would sit back there and do that thing I did before
I sound like the whiny lost teenager I was before
Before before before before before like I’ve changed and everything’s changed which is not true it is never true you simply find better covers and occupy your mind better but it would all remain and stay while people come and go as they desire, not as I desire and I think that’s what hurts the most and that’s what made me decide to choose to go so I could leave before everything did it by itself it was the only way I could win 
And as I sit in the dark my fears come back
Comfortable little friends that I’d never confront
They protect me from actual action, ultimately from actual danger because every action is dangerous because all of it can fuck up at all times I am never in control and fuck does it hurt I’m not even in control of my fucking self
That’s why I fucking need you 
That’s why I fucking needed this other you because I knew I’d be kept from losing control, I’d be in a comforting little cage I’d be able to sing again and again but I’d keep my wings wrapped around my body
But you, you’ll push me to better parts of myself and push away all that unables me and you’d let me fucking fly but I’d come back on my own in your arms in your neck in your lap in you
That’s why I don’t ever want you because I’d rather choose to destroy myself than let someone heal and protect me
Because I lack that much self-respect and hate myself that much
Why the fuck do I hate myself so fucking much

HEY PIG NOTHING’S TURNING OUT THE WAY I PLANNED
Do you fucking remember, pig ? Nothing could stop us and there were pretty promises do you remember pig hey pig yeah you you recognize yourself you fucking pig pig pig piggy pig pig all of me is coming to
black blue broken all alone little piggy you needed more than the fucking perished little corpse in your immense hands right ? i just don’t care HEY PIG HEY PIG NOTHING TURNED OUT THE WAY I PLANNED MOTHERFUCKING PIG SO MANY THINGS I WANTED YOU TO UNDERSTAND BUT IT NEVER GOES THE WAY I PLANNED WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT YOU, PIG ? I DON’T FUCKING CARE NO ONE CARES PIG BUT ALL THE GOLD TOUT CET OR l’or elle est là elle sera toujours là cochon tu auras ton or malgré toute cette merde cette boue dans laquelle tu roules tu restes admiré, cochon, admiré de tous mais moi je ris parce que je sais maintenant tout je sais tout maintenant nothing can stop me now nothing nothigngnotghigntong you can’t stop me now
a word from you and everything goes away and back to normal
because I just hate myself that much, pig
i am no gold, no silver, no nothing

i dreamt of pretty places and moments but I still don’t know how it all became poison it’s all because oh if you knew what it meant to me you made the air so clear I wanted to be anywhere but without you know pig you were home
I had to go because it was too painful because everything reminded me of how hard it was to see you act daily with them the same way you acted with me did you make pretty promises to them too, pig ?
now without pig is home but pigs are all around and it’s like I could never completely ever get rid of the pigs of anything porcine
wind whispered things as I slid through the water with you two it was like I knew it was all coming to an end it was the last times oh if you knew what it meant to me you’d have sang with me as loud and they’d have looked at me unspeakably like I did oh did it hurt I remember clearly
and weirdly I’m forever thankful for it

because today everything is better it’s becoming better I’m happy I haven’t cut in forever I don’t ever scream in tears and want my soul to go out through the cuts
I don’t ever cry
I’m proud and powerful
I’m confident
I trust in what I have now
I trust in what surrounds me
I trust I know what is poisonous and what isn’t
I trust I’ll learn to make efforts to be healthy and happy 

“I’m completely fine.”
And then I laughed.